jonathan/ferguson

it is 3:00am. i went to bed hours ago. but the mosquitoes won’t let me sleep. and neither will my mind. the buzzing in my ears matches the buzzing in my head. i cannot rest. and i’m tired.

it was not a great day. i realized another pending visa problem due to nothing more than careless oversight on my part. i got stuck with a fake rs. 500 note, which happens with some frequency here. no one will take it. my loss. the dogs are barking like they do every night, going on and on. the donkeys are probably back. they always show up late at night on the main road and the dogs can’t stand them. and now i feel a sore throat coming on again. yes, again. everyone in delhi is sick. the suffocating blanket of smog that has trapped us and our emissions the past couple of weeks has left everyone gasping for air.

but more than all of this reentry has begun. and that consumes my mind most. i feel completely lost even though i know exactly where i am. i am a sojourner. i do not belong here. i do not belong there. i have seen too much. i have experienced too little. i have spread myself thin. parts of me lie scattered across various continents. in cities around the world. it happens. its no surprise. i’m pretty sure this will be my life. and i’m usually content living it. but right now i’m in the middle of a transition. and i’ve never been fond of transitions. my mother will tell you. i prefer to skip straight to the new order. or return to the old. without having to phase one in while the other fades out.

where am i taking all my stuff? where am i taking myself? i don’t know exactly. and why take it all home if i hope to come back? because i don’t know exactly. i don’t know where i’m going or for how long. i don’t know exactly when i’ll return. and therein lies my problem. this isn’t my usual reluctant transition. i could be headed for months of transition. no longer just a single action, but a continuity of the state. which would require the use of a perfect participle. and i do not want to use a perfect participle when describing my transition. i want to use only short and quick adjectives that describe a past and completed action. or better yet a hypothetical action. a state of transition sounds depressing. and makes me feel a little blah too. क्या करें ?